Diary of a Broken Girl...

Sleepless nights... Lonely Cold nights.

While everyone is getting ready to sleep, Im up every night thinking about you. With all the if's and the buts going through my head it just makes it harder for me to eventually fall asleep.
I'm so weak, so helpless I actually feel hopeless and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Sad thing is, I can't give up, I just can't help but fight this feeling of emptiness but till when?? till when will I fight?? will I ever get over this will I ever let go completely?
Nothing hurts more than wanting something you can clearly see you wont have, something you know you will never have, it will never be yours yet you still want it, you still fight for it and even though it hurts you're just not willing to let it go.

Sitting up at night listening to songs that just dev you even more but you can't press stop...You let it play over and over and over...
The very songs you listen to leave you confused, you don't know which one to listen to because one tells you to fight while the other says let go...

"Boy meets girl, they get on fine
I wasn't hers but she was mine
And then she left me...might as well cardiac-arrest me
She left me standing there, pain beyond compare"

"When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me"

"And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love"

How is it possible..
I'm trying to write my 'dear john' letter..with a lot of starts and stops..
how to say goodbye..how to move on..he was a huge part of who i was and what i've become..
Someday i wish he can read this..dearest friend. the one that got away...

But then again how do you walk away from someone you love
And take the road of friendship. Can you accept all that's happened..
And start over once again? I believe that I can, I know that I can but I just dont want to.
I don't want to let go of you...

"I am so ashamed,
I am so ashamed of all the trouble I have caused
I am so ashamed of all these unopened doors
I am so ashamed of what I have become

That oh, my heart is bursting again
Dont leave this mark
Your eyes are turning away"

You came into my life as quickly as you left. Its saddening how I have to spend my days trying to get used to this while you sleep peacefuly as though nothing happened. But Hearts truly don't breakeven now do they, unfortunately I'm the one who has to deal with the pain this time around.

Nothing hurts more than not knowing where you stand with someone, whether you're a priority or just another option, one of many when it comes to you. But for how long? How does one ever let go?

Your were like sand,
I gave you care and attention..
Then a strong gust of wind sifted you through my hands
I lost you yet again.

"A clean heart is hard to find my love, just try not to fall apart this time..." -John Mani

xoxo BendaloG